How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
