so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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