Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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