Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
