i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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