I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
