from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize