his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
