my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think weed is turning my hair brown
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
