i think i have herpe
just one?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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