jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
