Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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