well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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