Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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