Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
