we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Terrible idea I love it
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
