im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
