in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize