yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
