i wish my penis had a tongue
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
