I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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