I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
