i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
