did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize