My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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