shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
