had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize