New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
