I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
