i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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