I wish i was in the wii world.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
