what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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