I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
