I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
