I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
