I accidentally had phone sex last night
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
