mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
