I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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