I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
