On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
