U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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