He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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