I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
