im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
