god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
