I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
