I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
