I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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