You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
