i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
