Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
