i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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