Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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