Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
