Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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