That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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