Duck Duck Cougar?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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