What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
