His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
