Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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