after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
