I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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