Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
