Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
