ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
