i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
