My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
