I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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